Saturday, November 17, 2007


It's never been this important to figure out who I am. I don't know that I know. She asked me "who are you in relation to who you were as a kid?" and I started to cry. And then I didn't stop for the rest of the hour. I turned to look at my childhood and as I turned, my should jammed hard into this flat white almost opaque sheet. It had a clammy sheen to it and as my shoulder made contact, it was actually dry, it gave a little and then threw me back away from it like a vertical white trampoline. I couldn't look back there to who I was. I guess I felt sad about that. Last night I dreamed that one of my classmates from my small high school class died. She was a great person, back in high school, and a bunch of us who knew her, even a girl I hadn't seen since sixth grade, got together to mourn and one of my classmates who I had always been intimidated by hugged me for a long time. It felt good to be hugged.

When I turned 27 I dedicated this year to growing up. I quit smoking and started exercising a little more. And then I made an appointment with a shrink. She's cool. We get a long well. I think if she were my age, we could have been friends in another life. We have a lot of the same interests. She's half French. Roots in a town about 20 minutes from where I lived in France for a few years. Which doesn't really matter, but feels like another coincidence connection that made me think I could trust her a little more. Studied literature in college; finds dreams interesting. She lets me do all the talking, which I guess is the point, to let me hash out my life in a way I can't with anyone else because it's probably more boring than anything. She asks a few questions here and there.

Anyway, so I'm trying to figure out who I am apart from anyone else, even my B and my sisters and my parents and his family and....its not so easy to pull yourself out of the present and look at you like you were looking in a mirror. But I guess for some reason its important to me right now to chase this, even if it is a chasing after the wind.

I'm finding a current under my fields of sadness that I didn't really know was there. I spend a lot of time with my lady feeling sad. But I think that's human. I think to love and to feel sadness are two of the most human emotions. When I love or I feel sad, those are the times when I can be quiet or jump for joy inside of this bigger feeling that encompasses more than just the people in my little world.


I dunno.

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